


erasing myself from the narrative

by kallliope



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, JULIE WHY, M/M, like a shit ton of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-31 06:09:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10893327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallliope/pseuds/kallliope
Summary: The crash, the tumble, and the disappearance of the girl she once was.Or, what happens to Sana after the fiasco of a party in S4E5.





	1. destruction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @ Yousef: *insert appropriate gif of tyra banks here*
> 
> This fic is inspired by [shadeandadidas' headcanon](http://shadeandadidas.tumblr.com/post/160597143993/also-im-ready-for-sana-to-show-up-at-even-and) about what happens to Sana after the party.

She staggered back, reeling. _So this is what getting drunk feels like._

Sana weaved through the crowd without thought, dancing away from couples sucking each other’s faces off like Yousef and—

_Focus._

She saw her hands tremble as she reached for the exit, and she forced them to still as they rested on the doorknob. For a moment, the hope that someone might call out her name made her hesitate and listen to the crowd.

But reality crashed down on her head as soon as she paused at the door: Elias gone with the rest of his crew, Isak ushered away by a frantic Even and the boy squad, and her own squad drifting closer to the Pepsi Max group’s orbits.

Sana bit the inside of her cheek, and turned the knob. She needed to go home, to sleep, but most of all, she needed guidance—and for that, she needed to pray. In the party’s suffocating swirl of euphoria, she never felt more transparent.

Not one person saw her slip away into the night.

* * *

Even and Isak were sharing their usual goodbye kisses when Sana walked into Bio the next day at school. She glanced up at them, and almost dropped her bag on her toes: Even’s face obscured most of Isak’s in mid kiss, but that couldn’t hide the stains of dark bruises splotching Isak’s right cheek.  

When he saw her, Isak grinned so widely he nearly reopened the splits on his upper lip.

“Sana! I just wanted to say I’m sorry for leaving you guys, and-”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sana interrupted without looking at him, setting her biology textbook and her laptop down with a desk-shaking slam. “I’m the one who should say sorry.”

Isak and Even looked at each other once, and then as one, sat on the table that Isak and Sana shared in Bio.

“You tried to break it up. If it wasn’t for you, I’d be in worse shape than right now. I owe you big time for it.”

“If you’re trying to get on my good side like this, it isn’t working.”

“We would never.” Even said kindly. “We just wanted to thank you for stopping it. I shouldn’t have come to the party, that club’s such a well-known place in Bakka—”

“Hey,” Isak protested, scrunching his nose up in irritation. “I told you not to beat yourself up over that; you weren’t the one that called them over!”

Sana’s hands twitched and she felt the pungent, coppery smell of blood curling in her nostrils. “Can’t you two just say that I did this, and stop blaming yourselves?” she snapped, opening her laptop and stabbing the power button.

Both of them finally stayed silent, but she knew one of them would start again before the period began.

Sure enough, Even leaned over her, blue eyes filled with reassuring compassion—something that she didn’t deserve.

“Sana, you didn’t start the fight, how could you think this is your fault?” Even asked kindly, and Sana just stared at her reflection in the dark laptop screen.

_Because I was the one who invited them. Isak’s blood drenches my hands, and I can’t get the stains out._

* * *

**> >>NOTIFS**

_5 missed phone calls_

> _Noora_
> 
> _Chris B._
> 
> _Mamma_
> 
> _Vilde_
> 
> _Even B.N._

**> >>PHONE**

_Your voicemail is full._  

> “Sana, why aren’t you picking up your phone? I need you to run to the store and get Elias—”
> 
> “Girl, where’d you run off to on Friday? One of Elias’ friends came around and asked for you—”
> 
> “I’m sorry I got mad, but I still don’t know why you wouldn’t—”
> 
> “Sana, where are you?! Sara needs you to—”
> 
> “Sana, I know you'll probably delete this, but if you ever need to talk, Isak and I can listen.”

**> >>5 VOICEMAILS SELECTED. DELETE?**

**> >>CANCEL** 

> “...Isak and I can listen.”

**> >>4 VOICEMAILS SELECTED. DELETE? **

**> >>4 VOICEMAILS DELETED**

* * *

Elias shut himself up in his room, and yelled at anyone that dared to take a foot over his doorway. Only when the boys came over did he open the door and let them pile in. No more victorious whoops or chortling laughter sounded from the room across the hall; instead, Sana heard snatches of serious whispers and one time, a small sob.

Not that she dared to check on them. Usually when the boys came over, Sana waltzed out of her room, chin held high, and planned spontaneous hangouts with the rest of her squad.

Now, when the first mutters of the boys carried over the foyer, Sana locked herself in her room, lugged her desk chair in front of the door for good measure, and tried to focus on something, anything.

Sana opened her door too early one day, thinking them gone, when the whole group trudged towards the foyer from the sitting room. Yousef noticed her at once; his eyes twinkled, and his face broke into a small smile.

She nearly tore the door off its hinges by slamming it shut, and she leaned her head against it, forcing herself to breathe while a choking sensation started to climb from the pit of her stomach up her throat.

* * *

_3 unread messages_

> Yousef Acar: You ok? looked like you saw a ghost
> 
> Yousef Acar: I didn’t see you at the party after Elias took off
> 
> Yousef Acar: What happened?

_What happened was that I saw you kissing Noora like a drowning man, and I felt myself disappear little by little, until there only remained a hollow shell of the Sana you knew._

* * *

At lunch, she took refuge on a bench outside when she saw her usual girl squad table accompanied with the Pepsi Max girls, who all laughed like they’d known each other for years.

Noora laughed alongside them now, her red mouth open to show off her perfect teeth.

Sana saw her bow her head near the end of lunch and whisper to Vilde. Vilde’s eyes went round with disbelief, and the shorter girl embraced Noora in a tightly wrapped hug. Vilde immediately turned to the others, and started talking animatedly, with that shrill voice that amplified every word she said.

“William has a new girlfriend!”

Gasps all around. Sympathetic, regretful looks. A compassionate pat of Noora’s hand.

“But she got an upgrade; you all remember Yousef, right?”

Ecstatic squeals. Congratulations exchanged. Noora's scarlet lips parting into a shy, but steady smile. 

Sana stood up from her bench and walked away, ignoring the stabs of pain in her chest from holding in her breath too long.

* * *

_5 unread messages_  

> Yousef Acar: I asked elias if something was wrong and he said to ask you
> 
> Yousef Acar: Did someone do something to you
> 
> Yousef Acar: Sana
> 
> Yousef Acar: who do I need to talk to

_You can talk to yourself in your head just fine, Yousef._

* * *

Another party. She saw it on the Facebook page, but her insides coiled at the thought of putting on her makeup for the girls, only to have that armor crumble when she had to smile at Vilde. Vilde, the ditzy girl that everyone tolerated with amusement. Vilde, the person who lied behind her back and plotted with the Pepsi Max girls in the coup to usurp her. The true Bus Boss of Flawless Since 99. No brown girls with dark lipstick and strange Arabic ringtones allowed.

Sana posted a comment that declared that she couldn’t come; she needed to work on a project with Isak.

No one replied.

The next day, she saw dark, glitzy photos on their timelines, and more of them dancing, wraith-like in the night, Chris downing a bottle of vodka, Eva and Ingrid sharing a practical joke.

When Sana saw a familiar brown hand cupping Noora’s waist—its owner cropped out—she gripped the phone so tightly she left an indent on the phone protector screen.

* * *

_10 unread messages_

> Yousef Acar: Hey didn’t see you at the party 
> 
> Yousef Acar: Elias was there though and Mikael and Adam
> 
> Yousef Acar: Elias picked up Vilde like she was nothing and twirled her around and her screams made us all laugh
> 
> Yousef Acar: Chris mentioned something about you getting sick
> 
> Yousef Acar: sana are you sick
> 
> Yousef Acar: because if you are you know that organ offer still stands
> 
> Yousef Acar: i’d take them out with my own hands but you know
> 
> Yousef Acar: i don’t think you’d like my brain though
> 
> Yousef Acar: too slow
> 
> Yousef Acar: but i can give you a slightly used heart half price

**> >>FACEBOOK**

**> >>SETTINGS**

**> >>MANAGE ACCOUNT**

**> >>DEACTIVATE ACCOUNT**

**> >>ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DEACTIVATE YOUR ACCOUNT?**

**> >>ACCOUNT DELETED**

* * *

****“Sana?”

Sana forced herself to look away at her lunch and saw Sara looking down upon her, a puzzled look on her face.

“Yeah?”

“I was just wondering why you deleted your Facebook? You know, since you’re the Bus Boss and all, I thought you really wanted involvement in the group.”

Sana stared at Sara until the other girl started up again, her voice a bit more nervous.

“You should be Bus Boss instead,” Sana said in the midst of Sarah’s answer, looking down at her half-eaten cheese pizza and the small mound of chunked meat lying beside it. “You’re paying for the bus already, right? There’s no point to calling myself a leader when I’ve got no power.”

“Well, um—” Sara stammered, twisting her hands in knots. No doubt she anticipated a fight, a full tournament with barbed words hurtled and that signature acidic wit from the “Muslim girl”. Sarah must have prepared for all sorts of situations to entrap her, planning attacks and counterattacks to eventually sabotage her in a grand, sensationalized coup.

So of course, an instant flag of surrender would leave her floundering.

“Don’t worry.” Sana said with a barest trace of a smile. “I’m sure the bus group will work a lot better with you as leader. I won’t be getting in your way any longer.”

* * *

Scrawled on a desk of Room 3A-B:

_Sana Bakkoush is a two faced snake._

Written beneath in pink glitter ink and different handwriting:

_Do snakes even grow where she’s from??? But yah, 1000%!_

* * *

 

> Unknown: sana
> 
> Unknown: did i hurt you
> 
> Unknown: is that why you aren’t answering
> 
> Unknown: whatever it was i’m so sorry i never meant to hurt you i swear i’m sorry i’m sorry 

**> >>SAFARI**

**> >>SEARCH UP “HOW TO BLOCK NUMBER”**

* * *

“Hi.”

“Uh, hey.” Isak said, scratching at his bare chest awkwardly. In another life, Sana would have smiled secretly at Isak’s shyness.

Instead, she stayed silent in the quiet darkness of the apartment hallway, her rain sodden hijab sticking to her face.

“Isak? Who’s at the door?” a sleep-ridden Even groaned somewhere inside.

“Um, it’s—”

“It’s me.” Sana said quietly. “Can I come in?”

Instantly, Even’s voice lost all its exhaustion. “Of course. Isak, do you mind getting the eggs?”

As soon as Sana stepped one foot into the apartment, her knees gave out, and the floor tilted at the oddest angle. Rain droplets dripped from her hijab, leaving an alarming puddle of water onto the floorboards in seconds. Someone’s hands were holding her gently by the shoulders.

“Fy faen! Even! Get the blankets, she’s soaking wet!”

Footsteps hit the ground running and feet skidded across the tiles. Loud, frantic voices.

“Don’t tell me she walked all the way here in this weather—!”

“She must have! Let’s get her in front of the heaters. Got the blankets?”

A cloud of warmth suddenly surrounded Sana and she leaned her cheek gratefully against the soft cloud. Her feet stumbled across the smooth floor, leaving trails of water everywhere.

“I’m going to make your floorboards rot.”

“We’ll clean up afterwards, Sana. You’d be surprised what kind of things this floor’s survived. Just rest." 

* * *

When she finally opened her eyes, she saw both Even and Isak staring at her: two sets of eyes with the same fear and worry shot through their pupils. She tugged the blankets tighter around herself, and for the first time, wanted to call upon her ability to disappear, little by little by little.

Instead, she slung her small shoulder bag off, and rummaged through it. Her fist finally caught the edge of the bundle wrapper, and she pulled out a half-crushed bouquet of daffodils, thrusting them awkwardly towards Isak.

The cellophane wrap around the flowers crinkled as Sana’s hands passed the bundle to Isak’s own.

Isak gave her a small smile, and extended his arms out to her. 

“It’s not your fault.”

And Sana finally—in exhaustion and relief—burst into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These next nine days are going to wreak havoc upon my nerves. 
> 
> Come talk to me on my [tumblr](http://asteriaria.tumblr.com)!


	2. ashes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sana picks up the pieces, and hits the ground running, her two boys backing her up with every step she takes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE HOLY TRINITY RISE

Sana accepted the cup of tea from Isak gratefully, a small hiccup escaping her lips.

Isak sat back down next to her on the couch, and slowly put his head on her shoulder for comfort. If it was any other boy, Sana would have glared over her mug until the boy scooted away. Instead, the edge of her mouth pulled into a ghost of a smirk, a response that made Isak smile in return.

The comfortable silence broke when they heard Even starting to pace in the bedroom. Sana lifted an eyebrow at Isak, who only shrugged.

“He said he’s calling someone, but he wouldn’t tell me who.”

“Halla, Mrs. Bakkoush.”

Sana almost choked on her next sip of tea, and Isak’s eyes widened, but the two of them stayed quiet.

“Yes, it’s been a while! And...I just want to say, I’m sorry if Elias says I’ve done something wrong to him or the rest of the boys. I never meant for anyone to get hurt.”

Sana traced the rim of her mug with her thumb, watching the steam from the tea slip past her fingers and evaporate into oblivion.

“No, I don’t think a visit’s going to happen any time soon. If Elias or the boys won’t say anything, then they’ll just need space. They won’t benefit if I’m anywhere near them. Anyway, I’ve just called to say that Sana’s with me and Isak at our apartment. She’s sick and it’s raining too hard to go anywhere. I was wondering if she could stay for a couple of days over here?”

Sana took a gulp of her tea again, a pang of guilt shooting through her chest. Despite everything she’d brought down upon his head, Even still looked out for her. She’d no right to kindness, or any form compassion at all: something Yousef obviously realized at the party.

As if he’d read her thoughts, Isak shook his head on Sana’s shoulder, his blond curls tickling her chin. She bit back a laugh; Isak knew she was ticklish, and if she gave herself away, he’d probably shift his head all on her shoulder to make her laugh again.

Not that it would be a bad thing.

“Of course. Of course. I’ll make sure Sana knows. And as for Elias...tell him and the boys that I’m still here. Just out of sight for a little more time.”

The sound of footsteps drew closer to the bedroom door. Sana and Isak quickly leaned back on the couch, both of them trying to look like the picture of innocence.

Even opened the door, took one look at the two of them, and smiled. “It’s rude to eavesdrop.”

Isak launched into a playfully affronted rant (“What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?”), while Sana pretended not to hear Even, but the tiny smile she had on her lips gave her away.

Even shook his head, dropping onto the couch and kissing Isak’s cheek. “You two spell trouble. Both of you already have a reputation in Bio; I can’t imagine what you’ll get up to here.”

“Everything to make your life a living hell!” Isak exclaimed, pouncing on Even and trapping him between his arms. Sana’s smile widened when they kissed, but it fell away when she remembered another kiss, a kiss that reminded her of a thunderbolt instead of a sweet spring wind.

Isak pulled away from Even, laughing, but stopped short when he saw Sana’s sad expression reappear. He immediately leaned his head on her shoulder again, while Even scooted closer to her as well, his eyes open and kind.

“Thanks.” she whispered to both of the boys.

“No problem. Your mom would have been frantic if I hadn’t called,” Even replied, running a careful hand through Isak’s curls. “She said I’m missed in the house.”

“Mmhmm. She misses how you’d walk into the house and accidentally bump your head against the doorway top.”

Isak giggled, and shared a mischievous grin with Sana. “He’s a fucking giraffe, don’t put it against him.”

“Hey! Giraffes don’t deserve this slander!”

“You’re 192 cm, and your hair scrapes the clouds. I think Isak can call you any tall thing around.” Sana said, sipping at her tea again. Isak nearly rolled off the couch hooting with delight.

“How does she know your exact height?!”

“You think I’d find out?” Even chuckled. “She’s Sana, she knows everything.”

“Damn right.” Isak said, staring at Sana with admiration bursting from his eyes. “The smartest girl in our grade.”

Sana laughed a little hollowly. “I think the smartest girl in our grade would have foreseen the disaster at that party.”

“Sana, that wasn’t—”

“I invited them,” she blurted out. “I invited them, and they started a fight with you two, and I got all of your blood on my hands because of it, Isak-”

“Whoa,” Isak said, nudging her shoulder. “You’re not the one who threw the punches, ok? Just because you invited them doesn’t mean you broke my nose and dumped my ass into the emergency room.”

But Sana kept on going. “And I didn’t tell Noora about William, so the girls probably hate me, and considering that the Pepsi Max girls are paying for the bus, they’ll have no qualms about throwing me under it-”

Even put up his palms to her. “Sana. You’re going to throw _yourself_ into a spiral of these thoughts if you don’t stop them. Speaking from personal experience.”

“Just breathe, and tell us what happened, if you’re comfortable with it.” Isak added.

Sana looked down at her cup of tea, hot shame rising in her stomach. She couldn’t understand how kind they were to her, how they accepted her so openly when no one else would. She deserved none of it.

“You’ll want to settle in, it’s a long tale.”

Immediately, Even ducked his head closer to her so she wouldn’t have to crane up to speak to him, while Isak snuggled his head against her shoulder to get more comfortable, both of them the picture of patience and acceptance.

* * *

“300,000 kronor?!”

“Wow, Sana, how’d you manage to convince those girls to pay?”

Sana gave them a sad smile. “I didn’t. They were planning to exclude me from the start. And the rest of the girl squad joined in.”

“Eva?!”

“And Chris, and Vilde. I won’t be surprised if Noora’ll be with them soon.”

Even studied her expression closely. “That’s not all, right? What did those girls say about you?”

Sana told them.

“Snakes,” Isak declared, throwing his snapback off in anger. “Stabbing you in the back when you give them the benefit of doubt. I’m going to have to have a word with Eva; this isn’t like her. And fucking Vilde! Who the hell crowned her queen and thought she could walk all over you?!”

“They’re cowards, Sana.” Even said, putting a comforting hand on her arm. “If those girls needed to go to the bathroom to talk shit about you, they have none of the courage you show every day.”

Sana bit her lip at the word ‘courage’. “I’ve been anything but brave these past few weeks, Even.”

“Sana, you’re the strongest person I know. What happened?”

* * *

“Oh, Yousef’s a nice guy.” Even mused, leaning his head back, but Sana never missed the way his lips tightened at Yousef’s name.

“I don’t think I saw him at the party.”

“No, you were too busy getting a concussion while auditioning for Fight Club, remember?”

“Shush, Even. So, Sana! Yousef was sending signs he liked you? That’s great!”

“Well…”

* * *

“He did what?!”

“Isak.” Even warned, but Isak pushed himself off the couch angrily.

“That sick fuck. Who does that? Who the hell does that?! Stringing someone along and then hooking up with their best friend. That’s bullshit!”

“You’re right, Isak, but don’t go looking for a fight now. You’re not in any shape to start throwing fists up again.”

“If I see him anywhere near us, no promises.”

“It’d be better if he didn’t know,” Sana said quietly. “He’s been messaging me since the party, and I don’t want him blowing up my phone anymore.”

Even’s eyes hardened. “He doesn’t know _how_ he hurt you?”

Sana released a quiet breath. “No.”

Isak hopped back on the couch again, and pulled Sana into a fierce hug. “You know what? Fuck him. Fuck him and Noora for thinking that you’re anything less than amazing and valued. _Fuck_ Yousef.”

“I sincerely hope you won’t.” Sana said with a choked laugh, tears stinging at the corners of her eyes.

“Nah, complete asshole doesn’t sound like my type, you’re right.”

Sana buried her head into the back of Isak’s hoodie, and whispered a small ‘thank you’ inside the dark fabric.

She felt a hand stroking her shoulder lightly and heard Even’s voice answering with warmth.

“Anything for you, girl.”

Anyone else, and the familiar words would have made her vomit. Anyone else, and her skin would crawl from the close contact.

But these two boys weren’t just anyone else.

* * *

The three of them just started paying for their meals at the halal kebab place when _they_ walked inside.

Sana froze. Her wallet slipped from her stiff fingers and fell to the floor.

Even stooped and picked it up for her, but the joke he planned to say died on his lips when he saw Sana’s expression. He followed her gaze immediately, and when he saw the newcomers ambling near the snack shelves, he stiffened.

“Isak.” Sana said, barely moving her lips. “Do you mind buying for all of us today? I’ll promise I’ll pay you back once we get back home.”

“Sanasol, you think I’m made of kronor or something? I—” He stopped when Even hit his shoulder and nodded jerkily to the three newcomers.

Isak’s lips parted and his eyes narrowed, but he only nodded at Sana and started rifling around his pack for his own wallet. Sana tried not to shake as the voices came closer.

“No, don’t take that, you got sick because of it last week, remember?”

“Screw you, Mikael, I’ll eat what I want!”

“Let Elias take them, it’s not worth arguing with him again.”

Isak finally found his wallet, threw down the money on the counter, and scooped up his lunch. Sana and Even followed suit and the three of them started making their way towards the exit.

Four strides from the door. Three strides. Two. On—

“Sana?”

Sana squeezed her eyes shut at the familiar voice, one hand stretched out to push the door open. The scent of carrots and bluebells washed over her in intoxicating waves. She forced herself to turn and put on a transparent smile to the three astonished boys—Elias, Mikael, and _of course_ , because she deserved nothing but agony—

“Hi.”

“Hi yourself,” Yousef said with that smile that always sent her stomach somersaulting. “I’m glad you’re feeling better to go out.”

_Oh, the irony._

“Yeah, I’ve gone through a lot.” Sana replied, gripping her meal tightly.

“You’re staying with them?” Elias said with a terse stare at the boys behind her. Isak glared at him in return, while Even stayed silent.

Yousef turned to Elias in confusion. “She hasn’t been home?”

“She said she needed time away from the house for a while. But I didn’t know that she meant them—”

“Elias,” Sana said, her voice laced with warning. “Isak and Even are my friends.”

“Yeah, and you know what they did?”

“Why don’t you try asking Yousef what _he_ did?” Isak piped up, his angry gaze now directed at the man himself.

Sana laid a hand on Isak’s arm, digging her fingers inside his hoodie. An odd flicker of emotion flashed in Yousef’s eyes, and she only stepped closer to Isak. Let him pretend he still has feelings for him. She was done playing his game.   

“Elias, she’s her own person. Telling her what to do won’t convince her to listen to you.” Mikael said quietly.

“She’s my baby sister; I’m only looking out for her.”

“Elias, just let it go.” Mikael said, tugging on his arm. “We don’t want another fight.”

“Sana—” Yousef stepped forward, reaching a hand out to her. Too close. He was too close.

Sana recoiled, stumbling away from him. Her back hit someone’s chest, and she looked up. Even stared down at her, an unspoken question in his eyes. Sana nodded once.

_I’m ok._

“Get away from her.” Yousef warned.

“Excellent idea.” Even said, his gaze now at Yousef. “You might want to take it to heart. Back the fuck off, Yousef; Sana doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“Don’t talk like that. You don’t know what she’s thinking, don’t speak for her!”

“He knows.” Sana replied with a dull, monotonous voice. “Leave me alone, Yousef. I’ll talk to you when I’m better.”

“Sana, please.” Yousef said, his own voice turning desperate. “I just want to know what I did.”

_Everything._

“Ask Noora.” Sana said, an angry flush starting to climb her cheeks. “She’ll know more, won’t she?”

Yousef’s eyes widened, and his hands fidgeted. “She’s not—”

Sana launched herself off of Even and stalked towards Yousef. In no time at all, she stood in front of him, craning her neck up at him to look at him straight in the eye. Words she never dreamed of thinking started hissing out of her mouth.

“Not something to you? I wonder what she’ll say when you tell that to her. Or didn’t you think about that when you kissed her in full view of everyone at the party?”

The words were barbed wire in her mouth, ugly and stinging and hurtful. Sana couldn’t care less.

“No, I shouldn’t say that. You don’t think about anyone, do you? Avoiding the fight to save your own skin, using me to get closer to Noora. I’m surprised that she hasn’t sniffed that out about you; in fact, I can’t believe I’d almost compromised my faith for someone like you!”

“Noora isn’t my—”

“Girlfriend, I know, and you’re not her boyfriend. Don't make me laugh. Both of you have no idea what kind of hurt you spread around, while thinking that you’re being good and kind. You two truly match, don’t you?”

She spat the last sentence out like a rancid fruit, and Yousef drew in a shocked breath. Elias and Mikael stared at her like they just saw her transform into a demon.

Good. She’d grown too tired of rebuilding the leaking dam that held back her wrath.

“Say hello to the rest of the girls for me. Tell each of them to watch out for snake bites, especially Vilde. And tell Noora she absolutely deserves you. She won’t have to worry about me messing up her personal life with my help again.” Sana snarled, leaning closer to Yousef. “In the meantime, _stay out of my fucking way_.”

Yousef staggered back, eyes tight with some half-assed pretense at pain. Sana whirled around and rammed herself at the door of the store, walking out without looking back once.

She heard the shuffling footsteps of Even and Isak behind her, but stayed silent.

“It’s my fault,” Even said, after the three of them found an empty bench and plowed through half of their lunches. “The halal place’s too close to Bakka; the boys and I used to come here every day after school.”

“No.” Isak replied sharply. “We just wanted something to eat and then wanted to leave. No one’s at fault here.”

Sana took a vicious stab at her meal with her fork. “He’s going to come looking for me now that he knows I’m living with you two.”

“Not if we have anything to say about that,” Even answered, determined. “He doesn’t know where the apartment is, and he can’t badger that out of Elias, because Elias doesn’t know the address as well.”

“And in the small chance in which he does,” Isak said, shoveling the food into his mouth at a furious pace. “He’s got no idea what the three of us can do to him.”

“Isak, love, you’re going to choke.”

“I don’t care, Even! We’re going to make sure this asshole’s going to keep his promise with Sana to stay away from her. If Yousef even tries to pass a toe over the apartment lobby, we’re coming for him.”

“Well, I care, Isak. And as much as I’d like all of us to work together, we can’t have that if you die of asphyxiation.”

“Sana knows CPR, it’s fine.”

“You’re lucky I do. I had to save you from choking on your own spit, remember?”

Isak spluttered while Even muffled a laugh behind his hand.

“Traitor! And that was one time!”

Sana nodded sagely. “Ah yes, I forgot the other time where you almost stopped breathing in school when the sprinklers malfunctioned, and Jonas and Madhi took off their shirts and started chasing each other around the gym.”

Even started roaring with laughter, and Isak pointed an accusing spoon at Sana.

“Watch it, Sanasol. I’ve got plenty of blackmail material on you as well.”

“Yeah? I dare you to name one.”

Sana started to smirk as Isak scrunched his nose up in thought, until he finally gave up.

“ _Fine_.” he sighed, laying a defeated hand on his head. “You win.”

“Aw, don’t like being wrong, Drama Queen Isak?” Even teased, squeezing Isak’s hand.

“No, I just don’t like being wrong against Sana.”

“Well, I’m right most of the time, so you better get used to the experience.”

Isak’s offended face made Sana burst into a fit of laughter that shook her whole frame, which made Even’s howling laughs start up again. Isak finally joined in after pretending to sulk for a minute, giggling into his meal and spewing rice everywhere, causing them all to get even _louder_ and making the Oslo streets ring with their laughs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evak supporting Sana no matter what means so much to me. These boys are the only people left for Sana to talk to openly, and I just hope the show'll follow suit, and we'll get this result in canon. 
> 
> Come scream at me about Skam on my [tumblr](http://asteriaria.tumblr.com)!


	3. scattering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Living with Isak and Even never gets boring, especially when they have guests over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the less-than-one-week countdown begins...
> 
> Did someone say _boy squad_?

“ ** _Now Playing: You’re Such A - Hailee Steinfeld_**.”

“Isak, how many times do I have to say to stop sending me these?”

Isak shrugged his shoulders as he bit into his toast, spreading crumbs everywhere. “You had a bad fall out, _and_ he was a jerk that broke your heart, so I’d say you qualify for a shit ton of breakup songs right now.”

Sana tapped her fingertips on her teacup in irritation, but already felt the small traces of a smile starting to form on her lips.

Until she scrolled down and saw the amount of songs in the playlist Isak sent her.

“ _Isak Valtersen,_ if you think I’m going to waste _one hour and twenty minutes_ listening to all of these…”

“Hey, I worked hard on that list!”

“Did you have Even help you out?”

“Um.”

“I’m deleting this.”

“Even! Sana’s being mean and not listening to the playlist!”

“It’s your fault for saying you made it yourself, Isak.” Even shouted amidst the clatter of kitchen utensils. “You’re on your own!”

Isak slouched back in his seat and pouted, while Sana smirked in triumph.

“ _Whipped._ ” she mouthed at him.

Isak immediately dived across the dining table, hands aimed for Sana’s laptop. Sana just raised it above the table before his fingers could graze it, and she arched her eyebrows at him.

“Am I wrong?”

Even poked his head out from the kitchen, waving a plastic spatula at them threateningly. "Both of you settle down, or I'll be the only one eating waffles this morning."

“Save some for Madhi when he comes over.” Isak mumbled, eyes still fixed on Sana’s laptop. “The moment you pop open the syrup bottle, he’s going to trace the smell and yell at us for not leaving enough waffles for him.”

“Maybe I’ll just make enough for Madhi, then, since he doesn’t nag on others when they’re working.”

 _That_ caught Isak’s attention. “Like hell! You can’t threaten your boyfriend like this!”

“I can and I will, babe. Now sit and let Sana work.” 

Sana flashed a brilliant smile at Isak, who stuck out his tongue out at her petulantly.

Even just laughed, shaking his head. “I can’t believe I’m suddenly raising two children.”

“What, you _want_ to be Isak’s daddy?”

Her words caused Even to drop his spatula with a clatter, while Isak tumbled out of his chair and crashed onto the floor. The smaller boy propped his arms to sit up, gaping at Sana and blushing furiously.

“Sana!”

“Think of it as payback for wasting fifteen minutes of my study time.” Sana said, sipping at her tea. “And Even, shut your mouth, you’re going to swallow flies.”

Even obediently closed his jaw, but before either of the two boys could react further, the doorbell rang. The warm, teasing atmosphere that surrounded them vanished as quickly as steam, and all three of their postures straightened.

Quietly, Sana closed her laptop, took it under her arm, and stole away to the door of the spare bedroom, while Isak and Even slid their way over to the apartment entrance without a sound.

“Yes?” Even called out, but no answer came from outside. Standing on his tiptoes, Isak peered through the peephole. 

“No one there, but someone could be hiding at the side of the door.” he hissed.

Sana slipped her way into her room, but left a crack of space between the door and the lock to see the mysterious guest.

Slowly, Isak slid back the door lock, until it clicked into its resting position. He slid away to the right of the door, and Even—who somehow replaced his spatula for a baseball bat in the few seconds Sana looked away—took the opposite side.

Isak nodded at Even, and the both of them waited three long seconds before Even kicked the door open and raised his bat high.

"Jesus Christ!"

Even immediately lowered the bat and laughed, while Isak stared, then groaned.

"Why are you three here so early? It's only 8 o'clock!"

"Dude, if I knew that I'd almost get brained at this hour, I wouldn't have come, trust me."

Sana craned her neck around the bedroom door. The voice was distinctly male—as were the mumbles and the playful insults hurtled at Isak—but it wasn’t Yousef nor anyone from Elias' squad, though they were distinctly familiar. When the guests trekked inside, Sana's eyes widened.

Jonah saw her behind the door first, and broke into a warm smile. "Sana!"

Sana stood up and walked back into the dining room again, giving polite nods to Jonah, Magnus, and Madhi respectively. “Hi, boys.”

“We thought you two’d (a crude motion at Even and Isak thrown here) be hooking up until eleven and we wanted to tell you the real world misses you,” Magnus said, plopping down in Sana’s seat and immediately helping himself to the last of Isak’s eggs. “Instead we get you being domestic and shit. What happened to gay people not able to take their hands off each other?”

“It’s called having a healthy relationship, Magnus. You and Vilde should try it sometime.”

The apartment practically rang with the boys’ hollers and shouts.

“Always gotta brutally slaughter someone in the mornings, Isak?”

“Don’t mind him.” Even said, slinging a gangly arm around Isak’s shoulders and pressing a light kiss on the smaller boy’s forehead. “He’s just cranky when he’s hungry.”

“Nah, I got it from Sana.” Isak said, his eyes twinkling at her. “You missed her dragging both of us just a few minutes ago. Still not sure how all our blood’s been cleaned from the floor after she mopped us all over it.”

Appreciative _oohs_ this time, and nods of respect in Sana’s direction.

Jonah stared at her in awe. “Can you teach me? I’ve been begging everyone I know on how to drag people properly, and I just can’t get it, no matter how much I practice.”

Sana smiled. “Maybe you just didn’t have the right teachers.”

“Fuck! First few words, and she’s already swinging at your dragging tutors.” Madhi guffawed. Then his nostrils flared. “Do I smell waffles?”

“Yeah, Even just made a bunch—”

No sooner than the words left her mouth, Madhi zipped into the kitchen. He returned to the table in no time at all, both hands holding a steaming stack of waffles. Isak cried in protest when Madhi emptied almost half of the syrup bottle onto his plate.

“What, man, I’m starving!”

“Don’t take too much.” Sana said, drawing up another chair and opening her laptop again. “We run out of syrup weekly because Even keeps trying to make these new recipes that require lots of it.”

Even glared at Sana playfully as the rest of the boys followed her lead and sat at the table. “I feed you every single day, and this is the thanks I get?”

“What kind of chef confuses rosemary with thyme? Honestly, you shouldn’t even be trusted with that spatula you’re holding right now.”

“Dude.” Jonas chuckled sympathetically. “I hope you’ve picked out the flower arrangements for your funeral, because Sana’s on a roll today.”

“Like she could make anything better than what I cook.” Even said, the challenge clear and evident in his tone as he waltzed back into the kitchen to get more breakfast for the boys.

Sana remembered Even in her house burning the rice, overcooking the stew they’d planned to serve Elias and his friends, and salting the _kefta_ to a bitterness beyond belief. She grinned.

“Oh, it's  _on_.”

All the boys cheered.

* * *

“You know, when you said it was on, Sana, I didn’t think you meant the rest of us as well.” Madhi said with a laugh.

Sana shrugged as she and the boys all set their food bags down on the table. “If you want to eat around here, you might as well make it. Even can’t cook a four course meal for all of us.”

“Funny,” Isak leaned in her direction, smirking. “because you sure don’t help a lot in the kitchen when Even’s making dinner for just the three of us.”

In response, Sana opened one of the kitchen drawers, drew out a spoon, and threw it at Isak. Her impeccable aim rewarded her with a direct hit on the boy’s head and a very satisfying _“ow!”_

“Behave. It’s cheating if you’re ripping people apart before everyone’s put their ingredients out.”

“Man, Sana, I never knew you’d get so serious about this.”

“I don’t like cooking,” Sana admitted, and glanced at Even, who waggled his eyebrows at her challengingly. “But this time’s an exception. Besides, if we’re going to play dirty, Even hasn’t made a proper dish at my house in months.”

“Aw, Sana, but Mamma Bakkoush always kept asking me to help her out, remember? While you’d just sit back and eat half of the ingredients on the chopping board.”  

“Wait, Even’s been to your house?” Jonas asked, while unwrapping the package of cucumbers for his dish. “You two just met a few weeks ago, right?”

Sana bit her lip, while Even lowered his gaze to his pile of ingredients. _Of course not._

Fortunately, Magnus saved them from answering. “Since when did this visit turn into an episode of Chopped?”

“Since when the hell do _you_ watch Food Network?”

“Uh, since we had cable, Jonas? My mom puts it on every Wednesday to watch all the competitions and cook offs.”

While the boys bickered and chatted, Sana started to shed the plastic grocery bags and laid her ingredients in neat rows upon the countertop.

“You want help?” Madhi said kindly. Sana began to shake her head, but noticed Isak sneakily assisting Even through his recipe, his ingredients already laid out and ready.

“Sure. Pass me that pan on the second shelf, will you.”

“I’m really sorry about the party.” Madhi asked, giving her the pan. “Your brother and I didn’t get off on the right foot meeting each other.”

Blood on her hands, hissed words in a bathroom stall, a forbidden kiss. Sana balled her right hand in a fist to stop her fingers from trembling.

“It’s fine.” she said between gritted teeth. _Don’t blow up now, girl._

As if he could read her mind, Isak called out, “Siri, play Sana’s playlist.”  

“ _Isak!_ ”

“ ** _Now Playing: She’s So Gone - Naomi Scott._** ”

Sana scowled at Isak as pop rock music filled the room. Isak just gave her a sunny, _I regret nothing_ smile and went back to assisting Even.

“Damn, this song’s nice. But don’t tell me you and Even are breaking up…”

Even started, spilling olive oil all over his apron while Isak whirled around to gape at Jonas.

“What the actual fuck? Who gave you that idea?” Isak asked, his voice rising indignantly. “And it’s none of your business who’s breaking up with who.”

“But this song’s pretty revenge heavy, man.” Magnus chimed in, breaking an egg on the rim of a bowl. “I’m getting total _fuck-off-I’m-better-without-you_ vibes just from the first lines.”

“No one broke up with anyone,” Sana said, silently thanking Isak for providing her the chance to explain or stay silent. “I thought someone liked me, but they weren’t interested.”

Madhi nudged her shoulder gently. “Hey, at least you didn’t like them back, right?”

Sana sighed. “Complicated.”

“Good,” Jonas said, his hands already busy unpacking the ingredients from her grocery bags, while his own necessities sat unwrapped a little distance away from Sana. “We love complicated.”

* * *

“That’s mesed _up_.” Madhi said, shaking his head as Sana placed the last of the remaining ingredients in the fridge for leftovers. “And what those girls did to you after all you did for them? Fucking ungrateful.”

“They aren’t worth your time,” Jonas added, shaking more pepper onto his dish. “But I’m sure Chris and Eva’ll come around and stand by you. They’re the closest people you have in the squad, right?”

Sana focused on the sink taps as she washed her hands. “And Noora.”

Isak clapped his hands together. “Enough about the snakes; they’re not worth all this food’s going to go to waste.”

All of them carried their creations to the dining table, and Sana surveyed her competition with a critical eye. Jonas, Magnus, and Madhi made Norwegian entrees—agurksalat, fiskepudding, and smordampete nypoteter, respectively. (Isak, of course, gave up on his own because he got too busy helping Even).  

But when Sana looked at Even’s dish, she stared. “I can’t _believe_ _you_.”

“Looks like we haven’t changed at all,” Even chuckled, pushing a steaming plate of couscous over to her—similar to her own couscous, but with fresh zucchini slices instead of cauliflower and a warmer aroma rising from the sprinkled chickpeas.

“This is ridiculous! It looks exactly like what we’d eat at home; did you memorize the recipe?”

“Your mom was very enthusiastic I’d make it if you got homesick.”

“Unbelievable,” Sana announced, grabbing a spoon and sampling Even’s dish. Her lips turned down into a sullen pout as a multitude of tastes exploded on her tongue. “And it’s good too; this isn’t fair.”

“Practice.” Even sang, reaching over Sana’s shoulder to drag her own couscous towards him. When he sampled her dish, he cocked his head to the side before finally announcing, “Did you forget the lemon?”

“As a matter of _fact_ , I have the lemon right—” Sana’s eyes widened when Isak came up behind Even, waving said lemon tantalizingly in her face. “You cheaters!”

Isak and Even laughed as the house phone rang. Rolling her eyes, Sana walked over to the side of the kitchen and picked up the phone, cutting off its loud jingle.

“Hello?”

“Sana, it’s Elias.” the voice breathed. “What did he do to you?”

“Elias? How’d you get this number?” Sana asked in alarm, eyeing Even—now frozen and gripping the counter. “I don’t know what you’re talking about—”

“ _What did Yousef do, Sana?_ ”

Sana’s voice stuttered to a halt, and her fingers clenched around the phone. She swore she could smell carrots again. The boys’ chatter stopped as Even shushed them and Isak flapped his hands for them to shut up.

“He...just said he wasn’t interested in me.”

“You told me you barely talked to him at that party. How do you know for sure?”

Sana paused before shakily getting out, “He kissed Noora.”

Dead silence on the other end and in the kitchen.

When Elias spoke again, his voice practically boiled with rage. “I’m going to fucking pulverize him.”

“He’s not there, is he?”

“Oh, he’s right here beside me. Listening and knowing that as soon as I hang up, he’s a dead man.”

Sana’s blood turned to ice, and she took a deep breath to steady herself. “I already gave him a talk, so I doubt he needs you to rip him to verbal pieces.”

“Good, that leaves the punching part to me.”

“Elias,” she said sharply. “I don’t need you to act out of my honor. _I can handle this_.”

“Sana—”

“I’ll call you when I’m ready to come back home. In the meantime, try not to get charged for first-degree murder.” Sana smiled, then. “I can do that to him without getting caught, anyway.”

She heard Elias chuckle down the line. “Of course. But you want him out of the house when you come back, yeah?”

“Definitely.”

“Deal.” Elias hesitated. “Sana, I know because of this asshole—(a soft thump and a muffled exclamation of pain)—coming back isn’t going to be easy, but just know that Mom and Dad miss you, ok? _I_ miss you.”

Sana’s throat constricted, and she coughed to clear it. The apartment doorbell rang, and Magnus whispered that he’d let the person in—probably the pizza they’d ordered in case they still wanted more to eat after trying each other’s dishes. “Yeah, I got it. I’ll tell you when I come back.”

“You better. I’m saving Yousef a lot of trouble just for you to get your justice.”

The door opened, and a burst of chatter came from the apartment entrance. Sana froze at the noise.

“Sana? Sana, you there?”

No, Sana wasn’t there, because surely she must have imagined that voice, that shrill, frighteningly familiar voice that shrieked—

“You better not have hoarded all your food; this hungry russ bus girl needs some too!”

Even’s eyes turned incredulous. “He called _her?_ ”

Sana heard, as if from far away, the sound of Magnus whooping and that high-pitched voice screaming excitedly—the same voice that hissed rumors behind her back and made the whole bus group turn on her.

Madhi took one look at Sana’s expression and sprung into action. He quickly opened the doors under the sink and gestured Sana to climb in the tiny space there. Sana clambered in as fast as she could, but as Jonas and Madhi began to shut the doors on her, she whispered softly, “Don’t lock me in.”

Jonas gave her a small smile of reassurance. “We won’t let you suffocate, Sana.”

And then the doors shut, enveloping Sana in total darkness, just as she saw Vilde’s pink sweater come around the kitchen corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who am I kidding, I'm never going to survive these next few days.
> 
> The playlist Isak sent Sana [is real](https://open.spotify.com/user/flyingthroughpages/playlist/2sjMiW3SF1hgLuVXYGmo33)! It's a compilation that features P!nk, Sara Bareilles, and Little Mix: a mix of different music styles to perfectly suit any type of break up. 
> 
> Also I know nothing about cooking, so please forgive me for butchering the kitchen scenes and throwing in instructions for dishes that may or may not be correct. 
> 
> Come scream at me over my [tumblr](http://asteriaria.tumblr.com)!


End file.
